When I was in the 7th grade, I beat my best friend up. I am ashamed to admit that. I would love to have the opportunity to say I am sorry. I can not imagine the harm I caused her.
High School was hard for me. Getting through the day was hard for me. I found prescription drugs belonging to my father an escape from my own pain. The drug was called Librax a form of Librium. Unbeknownst to me at the time was that these drugs were meant for depression. I took them hoping to get a buzz.

My parents never knew I stole his drugs. Hell he wasn't even taking them. He just threw the bottles into the back of one of his drawers.
I took them to zone out, escape the hell I felt I was living. It was during one of those drug hazed day that I hurt my friend. I didn't know until some time after, just how bad it was. I will never understand why they didn't press charges.
We had a field trip into the woods near by to study liken, moss and fungi. On the way to the woods I mad a switch out of small twig. I chased after my friend with sword drawn 'teasing' her with it. Hitting her on her legs and thighs. Like a towel playfully snapped at a naked butt the switch bit into her flesh. I was having 'fun'.
Later her twin sister told me of the severity of my actions. They were having supper and my friend wouldn't leave the tub she was in. Her sister went to check on her. What she found horrified her. The water wouldn't cover the welts my fun had inflicted on her. She was black and blue from her buttocks to her ankles, both in the front and in the back.
I don't remember hurting her. I remember having fun. The pills I took were not to blame, though I wanted to believe they were. I have no excuse, no reason for my actions. I honestly don't know why I did it.
Someone recently told me they remembered me as a nice girl back then. But there were times when I wasn't.
I knew there was something wrong with me. I wrote about it in my English classes, I tried talking to the guidance counselor, I shared things with my physiology teacher. No one heard me, not till years later.
I understand now that there was a lot not right. I came to understand that there had been abuse in my childhood. That I wasn't always aware of what I had done. That I had holes in my memory. That my body didn't fit me right. But that would be years later.
Dorothea, I hope some day you will read this or I can tell you how sorry I am. Friends do not treat friends like the enemy.
_____________________________________
Some of you may wonder why I am drudging up all this garbage. I'm taking out the trash. I'm cleansing my soul. I'm writing what is in my heart as it spills through my finger tips. I am trying to make amends where necessary. I am attempting to be the most honest about everything, than I have ever allowed myself.

Then / Now

40 yeas between then and now. Same person, always male gendered. If you look closely you will see a brighter smile Now and a sparkle in my eyes. Being true to your self is liberating.
Those of a religious persuasion, especially those of the christian faith, would call me an abomination but Jesus said there is neither Jew nor gentile, free nor slave, male or female. The Divine doesn't look at the shell but the god likeness within. 
 
Psalms 139 (13-18)
13
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17
How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

The Truth About High School, Who's Truth

What do you remember about high school? Can you see it through the eyes of 'truth' or your own filters of truth? As long as we are asking the question, who's truth is THE truth.

I thought I knew what happened in high school. But I only had my piece of the story. Everyone I interacted with held a part of my story where our lives intersected. Unless I am privy to their part of my story, I will never know the truth. 

Example, (back then I was a girl) I didn't feel like I fit in with anyone. In fact I didn't think anyone liked me, and to protect my self, I didn't give a damn. I hardened myself by looking in the mirror and and tell myself I was tough and nobody was gona knock me down. I carried a pocket knife in the hopes that someone would test my resolve. I would walk down the hallway of the school and it seemed as if the students moved from the left and to the right and left a pathway for me. That is how I remember it but is that how it happened.

I had a couple of friends who were more like acquaintances. A substitute teacher and a girl much like myself. We would see each other in the hallway and if one of us seemed out of sorts, the other would ask what was up and spend time listening to each other. 

I thought of myself as an ugly duckling. And because of that who would like or want to be around me. I didn't realize that to some I was attractive, even desirable. I only saw my life through my own dirt covered glasses.